One Day at a Time

This is all I have... and I offer it up. I write that a lot. And as I read it, I am faced with how much of a huge hypocrite I am. I have so much to offer to my Lord, and seldom do I offer everything... if anything to Him. (For those unaware or unprepared to read about my feelings on God... turn away now friends.)

I didn't go to Mass all summer. I could tell you I had less than 24 hours off a week and much of it was spent sleeping. I could tell you I spent time worshipping God in other ways. I could tell you I felt his presence in everything I did. Those things are mostly true. But none of them are legitimate reasons or excuses for anything.

I look at my life as it is today, and I want so much more. I want my holiness to be exuded from every oriface of my being. I want people to know that I am red-hot on fire for God. But how can they know something that may not be true? I not only want to say that everything I do, I do for God. I actually want to do everything for God. Oh, and that is lofty. It's a goal that is unattainable at best. And to say that statement... where I am right now... is ludicrous.

I'm a good Christian... I'm a good Catholic. But that's easy. I want to be a good disciple. I want people to know God's greatness through my love. So today I start a journey, and it's bound to be a long one. I'm not sure I will ever finish.

Yet, when I stand before God and have nothing but my life to lay at His feet... when my head is bowed because I am unworthy to even look Him in the eyes... when I call Him Father, and He softly says "Yes, my child,"... I want him to know that my life, laying open and vulnerable at His feet - imperfect, flawed, sinful and damaged as it will be - is all I have to offer. It will be my gift to Him. And He shall know that the good I did, I did for Him... the bad I did, I did despite His best efforts... the love I had, was the love He showed to me... and the tears I cried, I cried because I was sorry for disappoiting Him.

I will lay everything that I am at His feet... because what else can one do?

For anyone reading this (although I thoroughly believe that no one does) I am not a religious zealot (although those who call themselves so aught not be ashamed.) I am a sinner, and it is as though I am seeing myself for the first time.