Four More Weeks.

I always know that someone else has been watching my television when I turn it on and I get the History Channel. It's been a strange month. Good... but strange. I'm working on surviving this semester, and it's trying to eat me alive.

I don't like confrontation. I want to always be smiling. I like Christmas Carols. But I don't want to hear them all the time. I find guilty pleasure in Christmas decorations. I love Christmas. I put too much before myself... but I can't change that. I like pillows, but I don't really like to sleep with them. I like human contact. I don't like to wear stocking caps. I think boots with fur are dumb. I can say the alphabet backwards.

Let's be BFFs forever.

Lame.

The end.

Blogspot Confessional

I have not always but do have and always will have severe abandonment issues.

Too many of my friends in the past have just kind of disappeared. And I used to try really hard to hold on to them... but when you hold on to something for years without it acknowledging you, you start to lose some of yourself.

I love the friends I have now... and I love the friends I have had in the past, a lot of them fall into both categories. But I'm slow to allow myself to make a huge bond with someone who might leave me out in the cold. Cause I've been freezing in the past.

I was reading through old e-mails and letter I never sent today... so that's what is on my mind.

It was a beautiful day today. I played Ultimate Frisbee poorly... very poorly. But I had a really great time. I think my mono is going to go away soon... dare to dream right?

It's a Secret, You Wouldn't Understand

I think I'm going to pay members of my family to stand and watch my mom cook during Thanksgiving... then every time she finishes a meal I'm going to have them clap... Like on Emeril Live. It will make her so mad. But it makes me so happy.

Also... using butter or garlic will warrant cheering.

I Always Thought Mano y Mano Meant Fighting....

Now I know it just means lots of Mononucleosis. That's what I have. Lot's of it. So basically what that means is I have been receiving phone calls from my mother about every three hours threatening me to go to sleep or she'll make me go to sleep. Whatever that means. If I end up dead in a river bed... you know who to suspect. LYNNE. My grandma also told me that if I didn't take care of myself I would have to get an IV hooked up to take care of me. So I have that family support thing going on really strong.

Basically, what happened is... I've been sick for about two weeks: really tired, not able to concentrate, fevers, cold-like symptoms, really thirsty... lots of bad stuff. So finally, my mom is like... Sarah, you're going to the doctor, and if you can't get in to the doctor you are going to her PA. Well, I'm not a very picky person... but I HATE to go to the doctor. I told my mom that if I was going to the doctor I was going to see a doctor... So I did. My mom felt the need to drive to Lincoln (my grandma though she should come too) and we all went to the doctor together. After an hour of filling out paper work and waiting, it was my time. Carol (the doctor) talked to me and said I need to have a blood test.

I was not happy. I don't do blood, which is the main reason I don't do doctors. She leaves me at a room that wasn't really a room at all. It was a like a room without the fourth wall, so it was completely open to the hallway. I sat down in the chair (now imagine this) and said to the lady, with my finger outstretched, "Are you just going to prick my finger?" She looked at me, smiled and said, "Oh no, we need a lot of blood from you. We're going to have to take it out of your arm."

Immediately tears started coming down my face. I looked at her with the saddest puppy eyes I'm sure and said, "I've never had my blood drawn before." Which is totally true. I can only remember ever having my finger pricked... and only that a few times. I chose not to look. She started on the left arm, poked me with the needle... then told me we were going to have to try the other arm. I whimpered, held a cotton ball to the arm and looked into the hallway where my mom was smiling with a thumbs up sign. I glared at her and shook my head. Her smile slowly faded as she realized what had happened. The lady tried my right arm, I realized she had succeeded as I looked over to see a container of my blood draining into a bottle. It was the most terrible thing ever.

Fifteen minutes later the results were back... MONONUCLEOSIS. I feel like I'm on the downhill track of the virus, which the only cure for is to ride out and get lots of rest and liquids. On the bright side, the doctor wrote me a note saying I might miss class or be late on homework, which is totally awesome. I also get to yell MONONUCLEOSIS and act like the Mono Monster and chase my friends around... they overreact and it is hilarious.

However, it also means constant nagging and concern from the mother... and although I appreciate it, it can be a little much. I told her I was going to be asleep right now. I am not. Soon enough I may be sleeping, but you never know with the Mono Monster on the loose.

This Could Be It.

My mom is making me go to the doctor. So maybe it's legit. I have been sick for almost a good two weeks. Maybe more. She's even coming up to Lincoln to go with me, and although I would never admit it to her, I am so thankful. I hate the doctor. I hate everything about going to the doctor. I am very afraid. But I am also very very sick... So I think I'm ready.

If you are a prayer, please pray for me. It's not that serious... but still, it's scary.

If you are not a prayer... please do whatever it is you do, for me. I would appreciate it. I think I know a lot of non-prayers, this is why I specify.

I don't want to go. Bleh.

Lynne Threatened to Call the Doctor

“And forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us . . . If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins”

Two of my friends lately have accused me of having a lot of Catholic guilt. Now, I consider myself pretty well-versed in Catholic mockery, but I don't know if I have ever heard that term before. I find that astounding because they both seemed rather set in their opinions on it. So, obviously, I've given it some thought.

I can understand how this guilt could potentially seem more reticent within Catholics; however, I think that is a ridiculous generality to make. Anyone who has a decent conscience is going to feel guilty if he or she does something legitimately wrong. I also think that depends heavily on the person who is being referred to. People who don't do "bad" things often will probably feel worse that people who regularly "sin." Of course, all of these things are generalities. That's my point. To place that label on one faith or one person straight up redonk.

For myself, particularly, I find it easier to bring things in rather than express them outwardly when I get angry or hurt. It's harder... I don't know if you've ever tried it, but it is sooo hard. But I think forgiving is infinitely better than hating and then forgetting. I want to mull over something and come to terms with it. I want to pray about something until I don't need to dislike the person who did it.

I bring it all into my own hands. Because, I don't know if I can trust others to forgive me, so I have to forgive myself. And sometimes, I don't know if I can trust others to forgive themselves... So I let them know that I will forgive them no matter what. Because if I refuse to forgive others, who will ever choose to forgive me?

“Forgive the rebellious sins of my youth; look instead through the eyes of Your unfailing love, for You are merciful, O LORD . . . For the honor of Your name, O LORD, forgive my many, many sins . . . Feel my pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins”

Some Punk Stole My Posters

I went to Omaha today to trade cars with my mom. She was going to see Spamalot... I never get invited to those type of things. I don't know why not. And as I was trying to get out of Omaha, which was not going well, I just started bawling. I am so physically sick. I am so mentally exhausted. I need something to happen, or I may lose my mind.

I have a 10 ish page paper due tomorrow morning about a book that I did not read. I don' t know how I'm going to get out of this one.

And Then We Played Guitar Hero

I don't know how to handle things... so usually I just don't. I ignore, joke, tease and laugh things away. I think this may be both my greatest strength and my greatest flaw. And life right now just isn't so great. It will be great... but it's not. The weather causes me to feel freezing constantly (I wrapped up in blankets and shivered in my bed for about two hours last night.) That may have something to do with my newly acquired cold, which was probably due to stress, which could be due to a million things. I also feel numb, but don't worry my fingers and toes are starting to tingle.

On the bright side (and there always is one), Eric and I just won the first round of our pitch tournament. Very, VERY exciting! We play again on Sunday. Also, I get to go hear Harryette Mullen read her poetry on Thursday, and that will totally rock. I don't have any desire to clean my room, which is better than wanting to and not being able.

Right, well once again that's all I have. Someday I'll have something good to say.

Then Heather Brought me Chocolate and Flowers

After 24 hours, my headache went away. I just noticed. I'm about to get back in the swing of college and life. I don't know how I got out of it, but I most definitely did. Life is so ridiculous most of the time. And I seldom, if ever regret things. It's all about learning, growing... changing.

So, to put it shortly. That's what I'm doing.

I think I'll start by cleaning my room. :) Maybe... Sorry, this is all I'm going to write. I have a lot to say... but not here. I think maybe I'll pray (on purpose.)

Personality test. Shmershonality test.

We took a personality type test thing in my RA class. Which is pretty interesting. However, it was incredibly accurate. It's called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. The test is dependent on four scales. They scales deal with where you like to focus your attention, the way you like to look at things, the way you like to go about deciding things and how you deal with the outer world. I was a ENFP.

That means I prefer to focus on the outer world of people and things, tend to focus on the future, with a view toward patterns and possibilities, tend to base my decisions primarily on values and on subjective evaluation of person-centered concern and like a flexible and spontaneous approach to life and prefer to keep my options open.

That seems like a bunch of nonsense to me... I said to myself, "What does that even mean?" However, then I turned my results over to the description of the letter combinations. This was the description of the ENFP.

Warmly enthusiastic, high spirited, ingenious, imaginative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Quick with a solution for any difficulty and ready to help anybody with a problem. Often rely on their ability to improvise instead of preparing in advance. Can usually find compelling reasons for whatever they want.

So accurate.

I really don't have a lot else for today. The worst week of my life is over. I'm ready for the weekend.

Sin and Mockery in Academia

So, basically, I had maybe one of my worst weeks ever, which really sucks. However, I'm doing infinitely better (I know you were totally concerned.) I'm signed up for 14 credit hours next semester; therefore, I need to choose one more class. I'll figure that out eventually. The rest of this semester might kill me. If that happens, I want people to read what I've written. Everything. The things in my notebooks, on my computer, in random folders around the places I live... I've written a lot of stuff. When I day, I want that to be part of my legacy. All things seriously though... life is really great.

In my poetry class we're reading Harryette Mullen.... Um, freaking amazing. She wrote Sleeping with the Dictionary and Recyclopedia... and she's amazing. I get to go here her read next Thursday, which is very exciting.

"I'm stuck on the fourth step. There's no statue or stature of limitations. I'll be emotionally disturbed for as long as it takes. You can give a man a rock or you can teach him to rock. Access your higher power."

That is pretty much some of the coolest stuff I have ever read. It's from Mullen' s "Coals to Newcastle, Panama Hats from Ecuador." She rapes language. It's beautiful.

Personal discovery of the day: I'm a very confidant person; however, I need people to tell me that I'm important to them, if I am. I value the opinions my friends have of me, because their opinions aught to matter. If I don't get that affirmation, I question myself. I hate to question myself. Also, I'm so passionate. I pour myself into things. Also, I am ridiculous.

Will you still be my friend? : )
... oh silly... goodnight.