Testosterone Boys and Harlequin Girls

Love is such an unstable and torrential thing. Granted, I’m a hopeless romantic. Take that as you will. I like to think of it like I’m hopeless… but also romantic… maybe. The fact that two people can get married and never be in love, never know what love is, astounds me. I believe that love can come above all things. I believe that faith can carry you through. And I believe that hope is a necessity. Convictions get people places… those are mine.

So, maybe I’m gullible… or a little too innocent. Neither of which are very true. I’m just sure that in the end everything is going to turn out right. I’m sure when I lose my hearing at an early age because I listened to music too loudly… life will go on. When I am a broke writer after graduating college because I never took the time to get an internship… I’ll make it through. I try to take life as it comes and take it with a grain of salt.

So serious… all the time things are so serious. This is serious. I think a lot of the time people brush me off as trivial and flippant. I probably lend myself to that type of treatment. I think this image of happy-go-luckiness, which I innately am, has led to a recent suppressed and sadistic attitude toward things.

I’m a naturally optimistic person… naturally shy… naturally contradictory. In fact, I’m a walking contradiction… Cliché? … Yes. I’m good with that.

I’m a people pleaser. I like what other people like, and sometimes I like things because other people like them. And that doesn’t make me fake… it makes me flexible. I’m an analyzer. I think too much about too much. I wish I was more eloquent. I wish I was famous. I wish I was a better friend. I wish I was a better person. I wish I prayed more. I wish I could play my guitar. I wish I was more honest.

I think music is what holds things together. I think Allen Ginsberg was a genius. I think it’s God’s work that I only remember happy things about my past. I think that optimistic simplicity is as much of a blessing as it is a curse. I believe my purpose in life is to be good mother and wife. I believe that it’s ok to be too open with strangers. Openness is honesty. I believe few eyes will ever see this… I pray the ones that do can understand.

This is how I choose to express myself… words. It’s what I know.

Suggested reading: Ginsberg’s “Howl”